Juicing is the best, right up until you start thinking about how delicious your cat might taste when rubbed with the right seasonings. While it’s pretty obvious that our editors love a good juice cleanse, sometimes it takes something heartier to quench our thirsts.
Each nutritious smoothie recipe featured below makes about 24 ounces (that’s three cups), which is the standard size of a NutriBullet or Magic Bullet mini-blender. If you have a full-size blender, you can play with portion size to make bigger batches. (And also, do you live in a mansion?! Where do you fit that thing?!)
The skinny smoothie:
¾ cup of water
½ cup of chopped kale
½ cup of chopped spinach
1 cup of pineapple chunks
1 handful of cilantro, removed from the stems
2 tablespoons of ground flaxseed
Kale and spinach are both high in protein and fiber. Mix them with cilantro, a natural digestive aid; and pineapple, which contains bromelain, an extract that has anti-inflammatory properties. Your belly will feel better and look flatter after just a few days. Just don’t forget the flaxseed, which has numerous health benefits and is chock-full of essential fatty oils.
The immune-boosting smoothie:
1 large orange, peeled and cut into sections
½ grapefruit, peeled and cut into sections
½ carrot, shredded
1 cup non-fat yogurt
2 tablespoons of honey
2 tablespoons of ginger
5 ice cubes
A blend of vitamins A and C can take the edge of a nasty cold. Plus, ginger has the ability to improve the absorption of vitamins in the body. If you stay rested and hydrate, this smoothie could be the one-two combination you need to get back on your feet.
The beautiful skin smoothie:
1 large orange, peeled and cut into sections
1/2 cup sliced frozen strawberries
1 carrot, shredded
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon freshly chopped ginger
½ cup of beetroot juice
A few splashes of water
Oranges and carrots are packed with Vitamins A and C, while the frozen strawberries (which double as ice cubes) contain potassium, folates, and antioxidants. Ginger, which adds a kick to your smoothie and cuts the clawing tartness of grapefruit, is heady with zinc. Beetroot juice, which can be found at any local healthfood store, is a miracle drink that contains tons of anti-aging benefits and helps the skin maintain elasticity.
The someone-get-me-dessert-stat smoothie:
1 frozen banana
½ cup of unsweetened almond milk
½ cup of cubed tofu
1 tablespoon of cocoa powder
1 teaspoon of vanilla
5 ice cubes
If you close your eyes real hard and imagine a happy place, this smoothie tastes just like a milkshake. Wrap the tofu in a clean dish towel and press it between two plates in order to squeeze out any extra moisture. (If you don’t do this, your smoothie will end up watery, not creamy.) And remember to unwrap the banana before you put it in the freezer.
Gather ‘round and meet Kitestring, your new favorite app (and your parents’ new cyber security blanket) for those times when you find yourself out on a run alone, on a blind date, coming home late from a party, or on a midnight McDonald’s run. It’s pretty simple: plug in your emergency contact info, location, and ETA. Then, at a predetermined time, you’ll get a text from Kitestring making sure all is well. If it is, simply respond with “ok” or a safety word.* And if you don’t respond? Kitestring will alert your emergency contacts via text.
It’s sort of like your previous plan of calling your bestie and screaming “CHRYSANTHEMUM!” but better. While there’s not a mobile app available—the service is web and SMS-based, allowing the company to add features and fix bugs as soon as they pop up—you can add a Kitestring button to your phone’s homepage and their number to your favorite contacts for quick access.
*Kitestring offers the option to give a “check-in” word that only you know, so any potential Stranger Danger can’t respond “ok” on your behalf. There’s also the option for a duress code, an emergency word or number you can quickly text to Kitestring to have them send out an alert.
I went to a dermatologist last week, who told me I should really do something about my wrinkles.
But instead of showing him how I really felt,
I just shrugged it off, played it cool…
And went home to make a list of all the ways I could dispose of his body.
Then I spent a better part of the afternoon standing in front of the mirror, touching my face, and pondering the precipitous nature of my youth.
Where did these lines on my forehead come from?!
Can everyone see them?!
And why are they called fine lines when they’re not fine?!
Maybe I’m sleeping in the wrong skincare products,
Or maybe my eating habits are to blame.
I should probably use more sunblock.
Or stop scowling at people who insist on texting and walking.
Getting older is less fun that I thought it’d be…
And the worst part is that the more I stress about it, the more wrinkles I develop.
So I guess I could stay inside,
Get more sleep,
And eat more veggies.
Or I could just go about my business
and enjoy all the perks of being an adult
Cause, at the end of the day… there’s always Botox.
Celebs have feelings too, you know. And vaginas. And feelings about their vaginas. Consequently, we’ve scoured the Interwebs to find the best hoo-ha quotes. You’re welcome.
The Earth Mother: Shailene Woodley
“Another thing I like to do is give my vagina a little vitamin D… If you’re feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get. Or, if you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs, and get some sunshine.”
Translation: Shailene Woodley is a hippie. Any questions?
The Vagina Whisperer: Olivia Wilde
“Sometimes your vagina dies. Then you know it’s time to go… [Men] are not allowed to be the only ones thinking with their genitals. We think with our pussies.”
That’s Olivia speaking about the dissolution of her first marriage, which, according to her, you can blame on her lady bits. Solid reason if you ask us.
The Truth Talker: Gwyneth Paltrow
“Let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor… I work a ‘70s vibe, you know what I mean?”
Oh, we know what you mean. Of course, this is in reference to the now-infamous butt cut-out dress, which required some rather high-stakes grooming. If you need to bare it again, Gwyneth, you know where to find us.
The Full-Bush Advocate: Cameron Diaz
“Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer… Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia majora is not immune to gravity.”
Cameron is so against bikini-area laser hair removal that she devoted an entire section to it in The Body Book. More power to you, sister! If you’d like to hear more on Cameron’s vajay philosophy, there’s a full Chelsea Handler interview about it, of course.
The No Bullshitter: Betty White
“Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
Okay, so it’s disputed whether or not Betty actually said this. But the quote—and the idea of Betty White saying it—is too good not to be included. Plus, her straight-talking schtick seems in line with this message, no?